Humorous Closure Letter. NEVER EVER SEND THIS!! It is only to be filled out! Fill one out letter for each person that you need closure with. I wrote this because someone did steal my Beatle’s cards from my locker in the 6th grade, and I needed a humorous perspective as I was angry and grieving many issues while I was in therapy.


  • ex-friend name________________,
  • ex- romantic interest, partner, lover, wife, husband (circle one) name__________,
  • living parent name___________________,
  • dead parent name_____________________,
  • boss name________________________,
  • “to whom it may concern”,
  • sibling name___________________
  • child name____________________
  • in law(s) name__________________
  • any relative name__________________
  • minister/rabbi/priest (circle one) name________________
  • other_______________________

This is my official “Closure Letter.” to you

It is my way of psychologically finding closure to our ended relationship.

It is for me, not for you.

I am meeting my needs, not yours.

I have finally begun to look out for myself and not for you.

I felt you took something away from me. You took my (circle all that apply)

  • self esteem,
  • childhood,
  • time,
  • space in my head,
  • space in my heart,
  • first sexual experience,
  • any sexual experience,
  • trust,
  • loyalty,
  • commitment,
  • Beatle cards
  • spiritual experience,
  • future memories of a life/friendship/partnership together,
  • job security,
  • home security,
  • homeland security,
  • financial security,
  • definition of self,
  • childhood security,
  • sexual identity security,
  • body image security,
  • dreams of ______________,
  • other_________________.

You replaced what “you stole” from me, with something that feels “ugly” and “hurtful.” Here is a list of the cheap replacements that you have given me. (circle all that apply)

  • shame
  • embarrassment
  • guilt
  • anger
  • fake diamonds
  • lies
  • anxiety
  • fear
  • self loathing
  • denial
  • irritable bowel syndrome
  • heart palpitations
  • high blood pressure
  • varicose veins
  • Other _______________________

The means at which I am currently replacing” what you took from me” is as follows (circle all that apply):

  • Hot fudge sundaes
  • Cookies
  • Potato chips
  • Breast enhancement surgery
  • Anorexia
  • Therapy
  • Voodoo
  • Medication
  • Drugs: alcohol, marijuana, meth, cocaine, heroin, other_____
  • AA/NA/SA meetings
  • Exercise
  • Watching TV all day
  • Naval lint and candles
  • Porn
  • Musicals
  • Arts and crafts
  • Shopping
  • Cruise ship vacations
  • More shopping
  • Increased Smoking
  • Fear of the unknown
  • Fear of loving again
  • Fear of spiders
  • Fear of Organized Religion (OK, this one is a gift from you)
  • Other____________________

Your perception of “what happened” and your resolution or solution showed poor communication skills, lack of integrity, poor judgment and halitosis. I can just imagine you saying (circle all that apply)

  • It was meant to be.
  • You deserved it
  • I did you a favor
  • I didn’t mean it
  • You did it first
  • You caused it
  • Its all your fault
  • It’s a blessing
  • You’ll thank me later
  • I hurt too
  • What else was I supposed to do?
  • I did it for the sake of______________
  • It wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t do________________
  • Can’t you forgive and forget? *
  • Blood is thicker than water**
  • Other___________________________________

*How interesting that you mention this. Yes, I can forgive, (circle all that apply)
However, I will not forget

  • I will not forgive you
  • It will take me(circle all that apply) many years, forever, a little while, many voodoo pins in your groin area, several lifetimes, when Hell freezes over
  • I will never trust you
  • I will not forget the lesson
  • Other__________________

**How interesting that you mention this. Jesus turned water into wine, he didn’t turn blood into wine!

Please do not try to contact me. This letter is about closure, (Circle all that apply)

  • Something I know you are too immature to understand currently.
  • A concept you will never understand.
  • I don’t give a rat’s ass if you understand
  • Other____________________

If our paths do cross again, please do not expect me to: (circle all that apply)

  • Hug
  • Kiss
  • Kiss your feet
  • Be chatty
  • Say “all is forgiven”
  • Give you “another chance”
  • Remove the voodoo pins
  • Smile at you
  • Wave
  • Consider you “family”
  • Go out with you
  • Other_______________

Most sincerely,